inner child wounds

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image | courtney | plainfield, ct

one of the most profound ways support our well-being is to examine our inner child wounding and work towards reparenting ourselves around them. to some degree we have ALL been wounded as a child, regardless of intent or duration. these wounds remain within us consciously and mostly unconsciously, and show up in our adult lives in ways that often lead to further wounding.

gaining insights and learning ways to support ourselves around these wounds can yield clarity, relief, and greater self-awareness. tending to our inner child as adults is a skill known as “reparenting.” reparenting is an impactful way to improve relating to self and others, which can ultimately help to meet our need for quality connections and improve well-being.

reparenting involves giving ourselves what we did not receive as a child. much easier said than done, but not impossible and totally worthwhile. this has implications that can truly transform lives – nonviolent communication coupled with reparenting and non-shaming self-talk has done just that for me.

looking at our triggers and behaviors can be helpful to us as we hone in on inner child wounding and reparenting. check out the lists below to consider your experience. which of the following inner child wounds below speaks most to you? perhaps you won’t experience all of the items under the lists, but in general, which list(s) do you most identify with? are there a few areas that speak to you?

inner child wounds

abandonment wound:

  • feels “left out”
  • fears being left
  • hates being alone
  • co-dependent
  • threatens to leave
  • normally attracts emotionally unavailable people

guilt wound

  • feels “sorry” or “bad”
  • doesn’t like to ask for things
  • uses guilt to manipulate
  • is afraid to set boundaries
  • normally attracts people who make them feel guilty

trust wound

  • is afraid to be hurt
  • doesn’t trust themselves
  • finds ways to not trust people
  • feels insecure and needs a lot of external validation
  • doesn’t feel safe
  • normally attracts people who don’t feel safe

neglect wound

  • struggles to let things go
  • has low self-worth
  • gets angry easily
  • struggles to say “no”
  • represses emotions
  • fears being vulnerable
  • normally attracts people who don’t appreciate them or make them feel “seen”

source : https://themindsjournal.com/inner-child-wounds/

are you able to recall experiences in your childhood that caused the wounding you’ve identified with? can you think of examples of how these wounds relate to you as a child, and also now as an adult? without judgement or shame, think honestly about how these wounds show up in your adult life. what “behaviors” do you tend to display when your wounds are triggered? what steps can you take to reparent yourself when you are triggered to help with emotional recognition, validation, and regulation?

what does that little one in you need to feel or hear? can you give it to yourself? how does it feel? try it, over and over in the days to come … do you notice a shift in how you feel? are you able to meet your own needs? i believe in you, and i believe with a continued conscious practice you can.

morning motivation & movement

in february of 2016 i was introduced to the class by taryn toomey, and i’ve been hooked and girl crushing since!

i was headed to the dominican and on the flight happened to be a group of stylish, spirited girls. i learned they were going on a retreat. i simply observed them and became intrigued, wondering who they were and what exactly they were doing on their retreat. upon my return home i did a little digging and learned a bit more about this celeb-endorsed “the class.”

in 2018 elyse and i took a trip to nyc to attend a thom bond workshop at NYCNVC, and the next morning we visited the tribeca studio and experienced the class led by taryn herself – it was amazing!

a few months ago my soul sister, makayla, attended a class as part of the philly tour and learned that the class was soon going to be offered digitally! for my birthday i paid the $40/monthly fee (or $400/year) to give it a try, where i now have access to  live-streamed classes daily right from the comforts of my home. how cool!

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i started my 37th year at 7:15 am participating  in the hour-long practice of what i like to call “emotional exercise.” it’s similar to SALT, in that it is somewhat hard to describe, and better experienced. i highly recommend it!

i can guarantee that – you will move. you will dance. you will love the music. you will be inspired. you will want to stop. you will be sore after. AND, you may cry. you may yell. you may improvise. you may have interesting thoughts. you may laugh. and with each class, you may heal a little bit more … i have not experienced anything like it.

here are some pics from my 1st digital class. they are a little bit blurry because they are screenshots (and clearly filtered, lol) from a homemade video, but they give you an idea of what you may be doing during it! #divedeeplivewell

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image | courtney 

every next level of your life will demand a different version of you. – unknown

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i can’t wait to do it again this morning! and remember, i am SO not a morning person, so this is really something! hand on heart … thank you, taryn. thank you, body. thank you.

SALT consults

sometimes in the waves of change we find our true direction. – unknown

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image |courtney | race rock lighthouse

in honor of my birthday, i’d like to extend the gift of SALT practices to others. i am now accepting 1:1 consultations.

SALT sessions / practices can be described in 3 words as …

here and now

casual over clinical

honest heart connection

compassionate life lens

empathy-building skill

applicable to everyone

normalizing our needs

affordable, accessible, comfortable

we can meet at a coffee shop, a workplace lobby, on a park bench, or a blanket at the beach – places where these practical ways of being and relating may be integrated right in the midst of real life.

my ask is that you come to each consultation with something that is currently “alive” in you. together we will first do a  relaxing technique to center ourselves and shift our focus from the day to the present moment, and then dive right into your current stressor. from here, we will aim to identify why you may be feeling the way you feel based on needs. each session will end with verbalizing an appreciation.

to initiate a consult please e-mail me at courtney@selfawarenessletstalk.com. cash and / or debit and credit cards are accepted, and payment is expected at the start of each session. consults are currently available to those in rhode island and eastern connecticut. hours are limited at this time.

1 consult | 45 minutes $50

*please note that this is not therapy. SALT consults and practices are not intended to be a substitution for any other psychosocial supports that you may be receiving. insurance is not accepted.

posh

i am finally following gary vee’s trash talk advice, and started a closet on poshmark! i listed a few items for sale and will continue to add more. it may come as no surprise that gary is someone i admire being that he and his family are in the liquor / wine biz (like my dad, and one day, me), and he’s about hard work, self-awareness, communication, kindness, garage sales, and flipping things (among other ambitious things)! welcome to my closet – @saltllc! #respect #hustle #posh

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image | @saltllc’s poshmark page

seeking human kindness

owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing we’ll ever do. – brené brown

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image | courtney

well, january has really tested my focus areas for 2020 right out of the gates – financial peace and the need for ease! let’s see – a broken / replaced new phone ; new door lock on my car ; cracked / replaced windshield ; final SALT studio closing costs ; a flat tire ; frozen water pipes at the cabin ; work struggles ; a dead mouse in my house, i can’t! (my biggest fear and i almost stepped on it in the middle of the night) ; a vet hospital visit and eye ulcer diagnosis for giorgio today, which happens to be his birthday! never mind global warming, politics, fires, loss of life, the list could go on … it all impacts well-being.

needless to say, i am SO ready for february – “fresh start february” i am calling it! the last few weeks have been challenging, on a personal level. i recognize that far worse could be going on, but this is where my life is currently at.

i share this post as i practice vulnerability and accountability, and not for pity, judgment, or comparison. this is one of the more raw, potentially shame triggering posts i have shared, but this is how i am choosing to show up. to own my story – the beautiful and the messy parts.

as much as i love fashion – always have, always will … (i did happen to get voted best dressed in high school, which is funny because i chose to shop mostly in thrift stores then, and most likely to be like mother theresa for that matter, ha!), filters, and the fun-in-the-fast lane lifestyle, it’s important to me that i bring a blend of realness and wholesomeness to this small corner of the world here. it’s my hope you’ll find some comfort and inspiration from this post, and in general from this mash-up of a blog.

anyways, back to january’s beating – i’ve been joking the “best year yet” headband i rocked on new year’s eve jinxed me! it was the flat tire after touring a horse barn in saunderstown for work (followed by the oil company calling to remind me of my automatic delivery set for the following day) that threw me into complete overwhelm! 

i called my dad to tell him what happened. “dad, i am really having a rough go of things,” i started. then the flood gates opened. “i can’t hear you,” he said. i somehow got out, “sorry, i am crying. my car is broken down, and i’m having a breakdown!” it is quite laughable now, but at the time it felt as though i had just been thrown off the horse and kicked, let me tell you.

i had tears streaming down my face as the AAA guys arrived to change my tire to the donut. “courtney, you can wait in the car,” one kindly said. i would normally have felt really embarrassed, but that day i felt comfortable to be my authentic hot mess (is this the kind of stuff people mean when you hear them say, “not caring comes with age?!?”). after i tipped them, a small gesture of my appreciation for their kindness and non-judgment, i collected myself and got back on the road.

i went to my parents house to borrow a vehicle and have dinner. i dreaded the conversations to come – as if i hadn’t been beating myself up enough for needing some help out of january’s hole. i listened, they listened. i spoke, they spoke. i felt mostly ashamed.

in my dad’s own way to relate, shown concern, and care, he spoke about some of his own experiences earlier in life when he struggled as an entrepreneur. he  challenged me, and tried his best to offer guidance. i reminded him that since he had relatable experiences, then he could probably understand that empathizing, rather than (unintentional) shaming, would feel most supportive. i admire my dad – he’s my everyday hero, so it is hard for me when he’s hard on me. of course, however, i know it is out of love, and i am better because of this.

we spoke about my experience with money – past credit card abuse and about my tendency to live off of bonuses rather than save or invest them. i silently reminded myself that my spending was meeting an unmet need. i shared about past behaviors, the resulting stress that i have lived with, and my frustrations from never really having been taught about proper money handling – i do not blame anyone for this, especially at my age and with my capabilities to seek help. however, it makes me sad, as i know i am not alone here. maybe you can relate to some of this?

we shifted to my more recent efforts to be money conscious, and my dad shared about his credit card use history, or lack there of. i relayed that his way of living without one is a lifetime achievement goal that i have already started working on – i no longer use or carry credit cards. i haven’t now for quite some time and i am proud of this. dave ramsey would be, too!

i shared about my experience of having opened and closed a business, and my regret / learnings from having entered into the SALT studio as the sole financial contributor. my dad shared about his stress of owning a convenience store in the earlier part of my parent’s marriage, and how financially stressful and unsuccessful it was. he expressed appreciation for some people, including my grandparents and a friend, who helped him financially through the hard times. today, you would not outwardly know this of his past – again, goals. he stressed the difficulties that can surround business partnerships, as he has had and still has a few, suggesting i avoid them in the future. tearfully, i agreed.

i shared about the changing landscape of healthcare and how the formation of alliances has lead to changing and growing competition, thus impacting referrals and hence, my compensation. i shared about the overwhelm and the disheartening reality around the complexity of healthcare and the impact on choice. thankfully, i am creative and a 12-month plan that i developed was approved for roll-out, which should help. still, times of transition are undoubtedly challenging. and still, i rise.

i shared about the heartbreak of not having yet found a compatible partner to share my life with, especially as i approach 37. as someone who believes we are all here for connection, and who works in the death and dying field, understanding how short and fragile our time here truly is, it often saddens me. tears really flowed as i shared this with my mom. she reminded me that all of these struggles are temporary and to keep faith. i do. i choose to persist on, and remain hopeful.

so, when i saw a unhoused man standing in a median the other day holding a sign that read, “seeking human kindness,” i naturally got all teary from being in this trying place, and handed him some money as i drove by. now, i don’t usually give money because after a year of working at the homeless outreach center in south beach, miami, you learn there are other ways to help, but this time i just couldn’t help myself! sometimes seeing how others are struggling puts my mindset in a different place. i do not minimize my feelings, but i do gain meaningful perspective. it also reminds me we all have common needs. i could not agree with you more, sir.

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image | courtney

the lyrics (from another song in the movie beaches), “human kindness is overflowing, and i think it’s gonna rain today,” got stuck in my head as i drove away from him. i reflected about my mom, the beaches post, the mother / daughter relationship path we have had, and the respect and appreciation i have for my parent’s ability, and choice, to step in and help me out when needed. their kindness does overflow on my rainy days. i am grateful.

i think often lately, well in between my breakdowns (let’s be real), about how empowering struggle can be. even kobe bryant, often spoke of this, and it is in the tragic loss of his life and others, that we can be reminded of this. every waking day i can choose my course.

i can ignore and suppress, or i can acknowledge that it’s solely up to me to make changes ; i can choose to sit and “be” with the uncomfortableness of my choices ; i can choose my self-talk ; i have the power to choose different ; i have the ability to explore options ; and i am capable of optimistically moving forward knowing that, as NVC reminds us, there are many, many, ways to meet my needs … and the same is true for you.

as i reflect, own, and share my story, i am strengthened. i believe that it is being vulnerable in these ways that will allow for more authentic connection to happen – to myself and others. i often tell people in my life that my money handling is the most shameful part of me. i make a more than decent living and have no excuses. as i work through it, i feel empowered and hopeful. money surely isn’t a topic to make the top liked posts for many lifestyle bloggers, but is one that touches us all and impacts our well-being in countless ways.

one really easy step to help with working towards financial peace is to surround ourselves with positivity – whether it be people who we can be vulnerable with and who can mutually be vulnerable back (i am blessed with having people in my life like this), or it may be what we watch, listen to, or read. i keep my soulcollage card titled, “kicking the spiral of emotional spending,” on my make-up station so that every morning and night i confront this to some degree. one awesome podcast that i have listened to a few times this month, and that i recommend, is on “money therapy” – who knew?! you can listen to it on ManTalks.

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image | courtney | “kicking the spiral of emotional spending” soulcollage

may the force of having it all – money, life’s luxuries (however that looks to you), support, choice, and love – be within and with us along this unmapped journey. thank you for trolling along. 🙏🏼