This is a big one! Often times when we are feeling insecure, unregulated, and/or “needy,” we “behave” in ways that push us further from what we want and need. Sometimes that need is reassurance. SALT can help with learning to clearly, calmly, and kindly communicate what we need.
Instead of instigating fights, acting like everything is “fine,” playing the waiting game of text responses, or bottling everything up then exploding, how about simply owning our “stuff” and asking for what we need? Remember, human needs are universal, therefore to some degree we can all relate to them, including the need for reassurance.
I will never forget the first time I tried asking for reassurance. I was feeling insecure about something before I left for work. I noticed my heart racing and I had a pit in my stomach (my main somatic signals of an unmet need). Instead of ignoring these signs, and leaving the house like this, I chose to use them as my guide. I knew reassurance would help bring me relief. I said to my partner at the time something to the effect of, “So I’m noticing that I’m feeling insecure this morning about (situation). Do you think today you could give me bit more verbal reassurance about us?” His response was a quick and casual, “Yah, sure!” (so simple, as if I asked for a drink refill) with a good-bye kiss. What a response! What a relief! And what a better day we both had! No drama. No stress. Just taking care of my needs, myself.
SALT practices are one strategy to improved connection to self and others. Have you ever asked someone directly for reassurance? Might this be helpful to you?